Big time love, despair and trying to move on
by James' Worldwide Girl
Summary: Will Jazzy be able to fill James shoes or will she crash and burn


It's quiet in apartment 2J. Kendall and Carlos are going over song lyrics and Logan is studying in his room. Everyone's feeling good, except for James. James is lying on the couch, sick, watching TV.

I take the thermometer out of his mouth, "Wow, James. You're temperature is 102."

"That sounds bad," he says, his voice scratchy, "what does that mean?"

I move some damp hair from his forehead, "It means you have the flu, which means no singing."

"But Jazzy, Gustavo-"

"No. I'll deal with Gustavo. No singing. The guys are coming with me to the studio to talk to him."

Carlos, Kendall and Logan are in the kitchen, "we are?" they ask in unison.

"Yes, you are. No buts," I look at James, "now James, Mrs. Knight will be back soon, she'll look after you while we're gone. Here're some magazines, your IPod, video games and the remote to the TV, oh and some water, just in case you get thirsty."

"Ok. Good luck"

I give him a kiss on the cheek, "I'll take care of everything, promise. Kendall, Carlos, Logan, let's go"

We all say our goodbyes to James and make our way to Rouque Records.

**...**

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN JAMES CAN'T SING!" Gustavo yells.

"He caught the flu," I say, keeping my voice calm, "There is _no way_ he can sing"

"But Griffin wants the new song TOMORROW!"

"I'll talk to Griffin. We need to put off the song for a week, just a week, maybe a week and a half."

Griffin walks in, "What's this about James having the flu?"

I turn around, "Oh, Mr. Griffin, just the person I wanted to talk to."

"Who are you?" he asks.

"This is-" Kendall begins but I stop him.

"Kendall, I got this," I hold out my hand, "Jasmine Dawn, Jazzy for short," he shakes my hand, "James' girlfriend."

"Nice to meet you, Jazzy, I was unaware James had a girlfriend"

"We haven't been together long. So, Mr. Griffin, James has come down with the flu, I was hoping you could postpone the new song a week and a half at most."

"Well, sure," he turns to the boys, "You three, come in and record your vocals for the song, James can come record his when he's better."

I smile, "Thank you, Mr. Griffin. James will be back before you know it. I promise you that."

"He better, tell him I said get well soon."

The guys and I start walking through the door, "Will do, thanks again."

…**. Back at the apartment**

"Hey Mrs. Knight," I say, "How's James?"

"Hey Jazzy, He's still fighting that fever. He's asleep in his room."

"Ok, thanks." I make my way to his room.

I knock softly on the door. No answer. _"Wow, he must've knocked out."_ I think to myself.

I quietly walk in, "James," I whisper, "James, wake up. Gotta get you into more comfortable clothes."

He grunts in response.

I walk over and gently shake him, "James, c'mon. Your clothes are starting to literally stick to you."

"I don't wanna get up, I'm comfy."

"James Diamond, get up," I say sternly.

"Make me," he says with a snide grin.

I let out a frustrated sigh, "You really wanna play that game?"

"Bring it, Jaz."

"Ok, you asked for it," I look around the room for some incentive to get him up, I spot his lucky comb, bingo.

I grab it, "You're not getting your lucky comb back until you agree to shower and change."

His face gets serious, "You wouldn't?"

I smile smugly, "Watch me."

I start to walk out of the room, lucky comb in hand.

"Wait," he yells his voice hoarse, "Ok, ok I will, on one condition."

I turn to him, "Anything."

"Will you help me? My body hurts and I feel weak."

"Sure," I put his comb back on the nightstand, "C'mon."

I help him out of bed and to the bathroom; I have him lean on the counter for support.

"You doing alright?" I ask, giving him a minute to breathe.

"Yeah, fine…let's get this over with."

"Ohh, Jazzy's gonna help James so she can see him naked," I hear Kendall say from the kitchen.

I look at James, "Give me a minute, I'll be back."

"I'll be here."

I open the bathroom door, shutting it behind me. I look at Kendall, he has a smug smile on his face. I glare at him and everyone else backs away.

"Ohh, Kendall's in trouble," Carlos whispers to Logan who nods in agreement, "Wanna go to the pool?"

"Yeah, let's go." They run out the door, pool gear in hand, Katie and Mrs. Knight hot on their heels.

Kendall tries to sneak away but I spot him, "Kendall Knight, front and center," he turns and looks at me, "now."

He stands in front of me, "Jazzy, look, I'm sorry-"

"Kendall, you don't know how immature that was-"

"Jaz, I'm-"

"Do I look like I'm done?"

"No." he looks down.

"As I was saying, that was immature, Kendall. James has caught the worst case the flu I've seen in my lifetime. He's hurting. I may be his girlfriend, but I'm not like that. I'm helping him get cleaned up 'cause he needs it, it hurts him to move. I don't know where you get the audacity to make a comment like that," I take a breath, placing my hands on my hips, "James is your friend, Kendall, the least you can do is help me help him. Do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal, Jaz."

"Good." As I make my way back to the bathroom, I hear what sounds like something falling.

"What was that?" Kendall asks.

"I don't-," then it dawns on me, "Kendall, it's James."

I run to the bathroom door, throwing it open, sure enough, there's James unconscious on the floor.

"James," I kneel down, frantically shaking him, "James, wake up, babe, James!"

Kendall's by my side in a second, "James, buddy, c'mon, wake up."

I pull out my phone, "What are you doing?" Kendall asks.

"Calling 911." When the operator picks up, I give her the situation, James 'condition, and the address, and hang up.

"Are they on their way?" Kendall asks, still trying to wake his friend.

"Yeah, we gotta get him down to the lobby."

"I'll call freight train."

"No, Kendall. There's no time, we have to do it ourselves."

"But we can't get James down to the lobby on our own, we need some sort of help."

"We have to try. Kendall please… this may be James' only chance."

"Alright, c'mon."

We get James balanced between us and make our way down to the lobby. Surprisingly, we make it down without too much trouble.

Paramedics are already there. They approach us with a stretcher and we lay James down and they wheel him to the ambulance.

A paramedic approaches me, "Miss Dawn, will you be riding with him?"

"Yes sir, Kendall will be joining me."

"The only people that are allowed are family."

Kendall steps in, "He's my brother, he needs me. I am riding with him."

"Alright, we gotta get going."

Kendall and I hop in the back of the ambulance and head to the hospital.

…**..**

Kendall and I are waiting in the waiting room for the news on James.

A doctor comes over to us, "Are you the family of James Diamond?" she asks.

I stand up, "Part of it, yes."

She shakes my hand, "Doctor Lexi Smith, James' doctor."

"Jasmine Dawn, his girlfriend."

"Nice to meet you," she says with a warm smile, she looks at Kendall, "and you are?"

He holds out his hand, "Kendall Knight, James' friend."

"Nice to meet you, Kendall."

"Is James gonna be ok?" I ask.

She looks at me, "James is stable. We have him in an induced coma for the time being."

"Why did you put him in a coma?" Kendall asks.

"It's temporary. Just to give his immune system time to beat this disease."

I try to swallow the lump in my throat, "Can I see him?"

"Of course, right this way."

Kendall and I follow her down a white, brightly lit hallway to James' room.

"Stay as long as you like. You can talk to him, he can hear you I'm sure, just don't expect a response."

"Thanks, Doctor," Kendall says.

"No problem, call if you need anything."

She walks back towards the waiting area, leaving Kendall and I alone with James.

I walk over and sit in a chair next to James, taking his hand in mine. I look at the sickly pale form of the man I love, he looks so different; his once tan skin, flush against the white hospital sheets, his eyes have bags under them, and his once toned muscles look scrawny. James Diamond has become a shadow of his former self.

"You gonna be ok?" Kendall asks, coming over to me.

I look up at him, "Yeah," I choke out, "I'll be fine."

He looks at me in disbelief, but moves on, "I'm gonna call Carlos, Logan, and my mom," he pulls his cell, "You just stay here, I get the feeling you wanna be alone with him."

I give him a half-hearted smile, "Thanks, Kendall."

"No problem, Jaz." He walks out.

Kendall knows me real well, I don't have to say anything, he just knows. He's right, I do want to be alone with James.

I look at him, "James," I say, "It's Jazzy. Babe, I need you to get better, we all do. You're the life of the party, the band needs you. There's no Big Time Rush without you. Please James, wake up." I feel the tears run down my cheeks.

"Jaz."

I turn, "Kendall." I look at him, tears in my eyes.

He comes over and draws me into a hug, "Jazzy," he says soothingly, "It's gonna be ok. You'll get through this and then you and James can be happy."

"You think so?" I ask, my head on his chest.

"I know so."

"Thanks," I pull away from him, "Are they coming?"

"Yeah, they're on their way."

"Ok."

…**..**

We're all gathered around James' bed. I'm in a chair closest to him, Kendall in the one across from me. Mrs. Knight in a second chair next to me, rubbing my back. Logan and Carlos are each in a chair at the end of the bed. Katie is standing by Kendall. Even Gustavo and Kelly came, they're standing behind Logan and Carlos.

Kendall speaks first, "James, buddy," he says, "Everyone's here, Me, Jaz, Logan, Carlos, my mom, Katie, even Gustavo and Kelly. We all want you to wake up, we all need you. We all love you, James."

I go next, "James, baby, I need you. I love you. You are my world. Please wake up."

"You can make it through this, James," Mrs. Knight says, "You're strong. You can't let this beat you."

Katie steps in, "James, even though you get on my nerves sometimes, I love you like a brother, you're like family and I need you. Wake up, James."

"Hey, James," Logan says, speaking for himself and Carlos, "Wake up, buddy, you're a big part of this family, we need you."

"The band needs you, James. Big Time Rush is as good as gone without you," Gustavo says, "Wake up."

Silence creeps over us again and I get a sudden wave of nausea. I stand up and rush out of the room to the nearest trash can.

"Jaz," I hear Kendall call out after me, but I keep going. I stand over a trash can, wanting to puke, nothing. I feel someone standing behind me, I turn, it's Kendall.

"Hey, Jaz, what's the matter?" he asks, walking over to me.

I take a deep breath, "Nothing, nothing, I'm ok."

He comes even and puts his hands on my shoulders, looking me in the eye, "Jaz, tell me what's going on 'cause I can't help you unless you let me."

I look away, "Kendall," I pause, "What if he doesn't make it? What happens to the band? What happens to us as a family?"

"Jaz," he says calmly, "Nothing's gonna happen to the band or to us as a family 'cause James is gonna make it. He would never leave you, he loves you. He will fight for you."

At that moment, the loud speaker comes on, " Doctor Lexi Smith to room 132. Doctor Smith to room 132."

My heart sinks. That's James' room. I take off towards his room, Kendall right behind me.

Everyone's outside his room, watching as nurses rush in.

"What's going on?" I ask.

Mrs. Knight comes up to me, "Jaz, they lost him."

I feel like someone pulled out my heart, "No," I start to sink to my knees, but Kendall catches me, "Kendall, it's not true, it's not true, right," I look at him, "They'll get him back right? Right?"

"I don't know," he says, "We have to wait and see."

Kendall sits on the bench against the wall and invites me to sit with him. I sit and lay my head on his shoulder. I start to pray for the best. I pray that they get him back.

…**..**

A nurse comes out to tell us the news.

"We got him back," she says, "he should wake up soon."

Kendall and I stand up, tears of joy run down my cheeks. He looks at me, "See," he says, hugging me, "I told you."

I look at the nurse, "Can I see him?"

"Sure, sweetie," she says, with a smile.

I walk in, Kendall behind me. James is already awake, "Hey, Jazzy," he says, his voice weak.

"Hey, babe." A smile spreads across my tear streaked face.

"Hey, buddy," Kendall says, "How you feelin'."

"Could be better. Kendall, could you leave Jazzy and I alone for a bit, I need to talk to her."

"Sure," he says, "I'll be right outside if you need me." Kendall shuts the door behind him.

I look at James, "What is it?"

He takes my hand in his, "I'm not gonna make it, Jaz."

"_I didn't just hear what I thought I heard, did I?"_ I think to myself.

"What?"

"I'm weak, Jaz, I'm tired."

"No," I look into his hazel eyes, "No, no, no, you're gonna make it, you can't just leave me, your friends , Katie. You can't leave."

"Jazzy, I fought to come back to do one last thing," he reaches into his jacket pocket next to him, pulling out a little black box, opening it, "Jasmine Dawn, will you marry me?"

The ring is simple, a silver band with a medium sized diamond in the middle.

"Yes, I will." I see the biggest smile come across his face as he slips the ring on my finger.

A priest comes in at that moment, "You two ready?"

Everyone gathers in the room to witness us getting married. Mrs. Knight, Kendall, Katie, Carlos, and Logan are up front. Kelly, Gustavo, and a few nurses are in the back.

The priest starts, "Dear friends and family, we are gathered here today to witness the marriage of James Diamond and Jasmine Dawn. They have come to a point in their lives where they are ready to commit to each other, however long that may be given the circumstances. So, I'll just cut to the chase. James, do you take Jasmine to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold till death do you part?"

James looks me in the eye, "I do."

"Do you, Jasmine, vow to do the same?"

"I do."

"Then by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."

James and I seal it with a kiss and everyone leaves, except for Kendall.

"Jazzy, I love you, forever and always, never forget that."

"I won't, I love you, too," I feel the tears run down my cheeks, "I don't want you to go."

"I know," he reaches up to wipe my tears, "Don't cry, I'll always be in your heart."

I hear the machines flat line, "James, no, JAMES!" I start crying hysterically.

Kendall comes up behind me, "Jazzy, Jazzy." He grabs me and tries to pull me from the room.

I squirm, "No, I CAN'T LEAVE HIM!" I yell.

We're outside the room now, "Jazzy, he's gone," Kendall wraps me in a hug, "it's gonna be ok. It's gonna be ok."

"_Be strong, Jaz"_ I hear James sy in my head.

I pull away from Kendall, "I-I'm ok," I take a deep breath.

Kendall puts an arm around me and we walk to the lobby of the hospital. First thing I see is paparazzi. I hesitate.

"You don't have to answer any of their questions if you don't want to." Kendall says.

"It's ok. The fans around the world deserve to know what's gonna happen to Big Time Rush."

"Ok, you ready then?"

"As I'll ever be." I wipe the tears from my eyes and walk out with Kendall by my side as reporters swarm around us.

Out of the flurry of questions, I catch one reporter ask, "What's gonna happen to BTR now?"

"Big Time Rush isn't going anywhere. Although James is no longer with us and no one will ever be able to replace him, I look to join BTR and keep the band going for him and the fans all around the world."

I feel Kendall's shocked gaze on me and I give him a not now look, "I won't be answering any further questions." I say as I walk through

When I finally get through, I see BTR fans, some on the left and some on the right, they're all sobbing. I stand at the start of the pathway they've created, composing myself and getting ready to talk directly to them, "First off, I wanna thank all of you for being here, means a lot. James meant a lot to me and I'm glad to see so many fans who are supportive through this tough time. Secondly, Big Time Rush will go on. I will be joining in memory of James. I won't be replacing him at all; I'm just trying to keep this band together for all of you." I make a heart with my hands and put it up and one by one, every fan in the crowd does the same.

I start walking and I notice this little girl, she's maybe five at the most. She has a small poster in her hands that has a picture of James in the center and in colorful letters it says, "I will miss you James" with a heart in each corner of the poster.

I stop in front of her and get on my knees so I'm at her level, "What's your name sweetie?"

"Skyler." She says.

I smile, "That's a beautiful poster."

"Thanks." I can tell she's about to cry.

I open my arms, "Come here, honey."

She wraps her arms around my neck and I bring her into a comforting hug. She starts crying.

I rub her back, "Shh, it's gonna be ok."

"Please don't let Big Time Rush end." She sobs into my shoulder.

"I won't, I promise." I whisper.

She pulls away, "I'm gonna miss him."

"Aww," I wipe her tears, "I know, but he'll always be in your heart. Where's mommy and daddy?" I ask

She shakes her head no.

I look up at Kendall, "She has no parents."

He squats down, "Do you have a brother."

"My brother's in the army, he's not home right now."

"Well, who are you staying with?" Kendall asks.

"I stay home alone until my brother gets back."

I look at Kendall, he and I are both shocked, "How long until he gets back?" I ask.

"Two months."

"Hang on, Sweetie." Kendall and I stand up.

"A five year old girl staying home alone while her brother is on duty, for two more months. That's if he doesn't die." I say looking from Skyler to Kendall.

Well, what do you wanna do? We can't take her home with us."

I tap him on his chest, "That's exactly what we're gonna do," he looks like he's gonna argue, "don't you argue with me." He backs off.

I kneel down, "Sweetheart, how 'bout you come stay with me and Kendall at the Palm Woods, until your brother gets back."

She gives me a small smile, "Really?"

"Yes, now come on, let's go." I lift her into my arms and the three of us walk to the car.

…**.. Back at the apartment**

We walk in and see Mrs. Knight making dinner, she looks up, I see her eyes are red, "Who's this?" she asks, a fake smile on her face.

"This is Skyler, one of James' fans. I was wondering if she could stay with us for a couple months, her brother's on call in the army, she has no one to stay with."

Mrs. Knight walks over, "Sure, I don't see why not," she spots the poster in Skyler's hand, "that's a sweet poster, honey."

"Thank you." She says, shyly.

"You're welcome, you hungry?"

She nods.

"Carlos, Logan, dinner's ready." Mrs. Knight calls.

"Coming." Carlos says as he and Logan come down the swirly slide.

"Who's this?" Logan asks.

"This is Skyler, she's one of James' fans, she's gonna be staying with us until her brother gets back from the army."

"Nice to meet you." He holds out his hand and she shakes it. Carlos does the same.

"Come eat." Mrs. Knight says.

We all sit at the table and eat. After dinner Logan and Carlos say goodnight and go to bed. It's just Kendall, Katie, Skyler and I at the table, Mrs. Knight is washing dishes.

"I'm going to bed." Katie says.

"Goodnight, Katie." I say.

Skyler looks at me, "I'm sleepy."

"Ok," I turn to Kendall, "I'll be back. I'm gonna put her to bed."

"Ok, she can sleep in my bed."

I take her to Kendall's room, "I'm gonna get you a t-shirt to sleep in." I go to Kendall's dresser, and then I feel a hand pull on my shirt. I look at Skyler.

"Can I sleep in one of James' shirts?" She asks sweetly.

"Sure, sweetie, which one?"

"The one that looks like it has lightning on it."

I know exactly what shirt she's talking about, "Ok, I'll be right back." I go to James' room.

I go in and find the shirt folded neatly on the bed. I walk over and take the shirt in my hands, "I coulda sworn this was in the dresser." I say to myself. I shake it off and walk back to Kendall's room, "This one?"

"Yes."

I get her changed and tuck her in, I go to walk out.

"Wait." I hear her say.

"Yeah?" I turn.

"Can you put on Worldwide? It helps me sleep."

"Sure sweetie, let me ask Kendall where he keeps his CDs."

"Ok"

I go out to the kitchen, "Kendall, Where do you keep your CDs?, She wants to listen to Worldwide, helps her sleep."

"Ok, they're in the top drawer of my dresser. Our first album is at the very front."

"Great, thanks." I go back and find the CD and put Worldwide on repeat, just loud enough for her to hear it.

"Thank you."

"No problem," I tuck her in and kiss her forehead, "goodnight, sweetheart."

"Goodnight."

I shut the door and go back to the table.

"She asleep?" Kendall asks.

"Yeah, hopefully she'll stay asleep."

"Yeah, so what's this about you joining BTR?" he looks at me expectantly.

"That's what James would want. He'd want BTR to go on for the fans. Kendall, I was a normal teen girl before I met James and we started dating. I was a normal fan like the fans we saw and I don't want BTR to die because of this, James wouldn't want that either and if me joining is what it takes to keep this band going, I'm gonna do it."

"You know you're gonna have to talk to Griffin about this."

"I'll go with you and the guys to the studio tomorrow and talk to him and Gustavo."

"Alright, well I'm gonna go to bed. I'll keep an eye on Skyler."

"Ok, yeah I'm gonna hit the hay, too." I walk with Kendall.

He hugs me, "Get some rest, ok."

"I'll try, I promise."

"Ok, goodnight." He goes to his room.

"Goodnight." I go to James' room, put on one of his shirts and lay down in his bed.

I close my eyes, "Goodnight, James."

"_Goodnight, Jaz." _I hear James say.

My eyes snap open and I sit up, "What the hell?" I say to myself, "I'm going insane." I lay back down, closing my eyes and I fall asleep.

…**..**

The next morning I wake up and get ready to head to the studio. I walk out and Kendall and Skyler are playing sorry at the table.

"Hey guys." I say walking over.

"Hey," Kendall says, "how'd you sleep?"

"Fine," I lie, "How'd you sleep Skyler?"

"Good," she says, "Kendall and me are playing sorry."

"I see," I look at the clock, "Kendall, we're gonna be late to the studio."

He looks at the clock too, "Oh, guys! Come on, we're gonna be late." He calls to Carlos and Logan.

They come running down and out the door, down to the lobby.

Kendall laughs and then looks at Skyler, "My mom is gonna watch you ok, we'll finish the game when I get back." He hugs her.

"Ok." She says.

I hug her, "See you later, girly," I walk with Kendall.

…**..**

"You want to join BTR." Gustavo laughs.

"Yes, I'll keep the band together and," I look at Griffin, "money in your pockets."

"I like that idea." Griffin says.

"What?" Gustavo says.

"We'll put her in the band, see how she does," he looks at me, "I want to hear you sing first."

"No problem, Mr. Griffin," I head over to the recording booth.

"Ok," Griffin says, "we're gonna have you sing Worldwide."

"Alright, I'm ready."

The track plays and I sing James's parts flawlessly. After the song the guys and I come out.

"You were amazing." Carlos says.

"That was great," Kendall says.

"Yeah, that was amazing." Logan says.

I smile, "Thanks guys," I walk up to Griffin, Gustavo, and Kelly, "so what do you think?"

"That was great," Griffin says, "you're in."

"Thanks, Griffin. I won't let any of you down," I gesture to everyone.

'You really were great," Kelly says.

"You were ok." Gustavo grunts, Kelly slaps him, "Ow, ok you were amazing."

I laugh, "Thanks, Gustavo."

"Ok, Dogs, tomorrow we record our new song."

"Alright." We say in unison

"See you tomorrow."

"Bye." We head back to the apartment.

…**..**

We walk into the apartment and I see a guy in army camouflage holding Skyler. I walk up to him.

"Hi, you must be Skyler's brother, I'm Jazzy."

He shakes my hand, "I'm Ryan. I came home early. I'm home for good."

"Oh good, good, cause this little sweetheart needs you."

"Yeah, thanks for watching her."

"No problem."

"Well, we gotta go."

"Ok. Bye Skyler."

They start walking out and then Skyler whispers something in Ryan's ear and he sets her down.

She runs over to me and I kneel down, she wraps her arms around my neck, "Thank you." She says.

"You're welcome," I whisper.

She pulls away, "I want you to have this." She hands me her James poster.

'Aww, thanks sweetie." I hug her again.

"Keep Big Time Rush together, don't let it end, promise?"

"I promise," I whisper, "cross my heart."

"C'mon, Skyler." Ryan says.

"I gotta go, bye." She walks out with her brother.

"Bye." I look at the poster and hang it on James' door.

"You ok?" Kendall asks.

"Yeah."

"Ok, I believe you. We have James' funeral today."

"Yeah, I know."

"Ok, be ready by 5."

"Alright." I go into James' room and shut the door. I sit on his bed, in utter silence.

"_Jazzy." _I hear James' voice say.

"James?" I get up, "where are you?" I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn around, "James?" no answer, I run my hand through my hair, "I am going insane."

"_You're not insane, babe."_

I turn, there he is, James is standing there, tears start to well up in my eyes.

"I- I'm dreaming, you can't be here." I sit on the bed.

_He comes and sits next to me, putting his surprisingly warm hand on mine, "You're not dreaming, I'm here. I always will be."_

I look into his eyes, "So, you heard I'm joining BTR?"

"_Yes I did."_

"What do you think? You think I can do it?"

"_Yes I do. You're an amazing singer. Just don't let Gustavo get to you." He chuckles._

I smile, "I haven't and I won't."

"_I'm sure Kendall will stand up for you if Gustavo gets too hard on you."_

"Yeah," I sigh, "he's been watching out for me."

"_I see you two have gotten really close."_

"Well yeah, he's the only one who has the patience and attention span to listen. And he knows how much I love you."

_He smiles, "True, Carlos and Logan tend to zone out after a while."_

"Yeah, but Kendall listens and he's been trying to help me."

"_I saw the little girl that was staying here. She was so sweet."_

"She was sweet, she loved you and I promised her that I wouldn't let Big Time Rush end."

"_Jazzy, keep that promise, you're the only chance this band has of staying together," he gets up, "I gotta go, Jaz."_

I get up and hug him, "I love you, James Diamond."

_He holds me close, "I love you, too, Jazzy."_

I hear a knock on the door, "Jazzy, time to go." Kendall says through the door.

"Ok, give me a minute," I turn to James, "I gotta go, Kendall's calling."

"_I'll always be here for you." He says then he's gone._

I walk out in my James shirt, which has a picture of him smiling, and on the back it says Big Time Rush, with dark blue skinny jeans and a pair of all black chucks with the BTR logo on the outside and James on one toe and Diamond on the other.

I notice Kendall's questioning glance, "What, I can wear whatever I want to my husband's funeral, besides this was his favorite outfit."

"Alright, fair enough, c'mon my mom's waiting."

I follow Kendall down to the car and off to the funeral we go. We pull up and I see fans, crying. At the start, on the right are Skyler and Ryan, I walk up to them, Kendall at my side.

"Hey, Jasmine." Ryan says.

"Hey, if you want, you guys can come into the church with us," I look at Skyler, "do you wanna come with us?"

She looks at me, her eyes red, "Can we, Ryan?"

"Sure, kiddo." He puts her down and all of us walk in together.

It's a simple set up, I asked for open casket, with red and white flowers and a blown up picture of him on the side. I had him dressed in a simple black suit, with his hair like he always wore it.

I walk up and once I see him, I start crying. Kendall holds me close and rubs my back.

"Jazzy?" Skyler says.

I look down, wiping tears from my eyes, "Yeah, sweetie?"

"Don't cry, James will always be with you."

I pick her up, "Awww, thanks sweetie."

"You're welcome, he'll always be with all of us."

"I know hun," I set her down and lean in and give James a soft kiss on the lips, "I love you, I'm gonna miss you, James." I whisper.

"C'mon, we gotta go," Kendall says, "We need to get some rest. Gustavo wants us at the studio early tomorrow."

"Ok." I say.

We walk outside and I throw up a heart and the fans return it as I walk past. When we get to the car, I turn to Skyler, "Take care, hun," I say, "come to BTR's next concert, ok."

"Ok, I will," she hugs me, "bye."

"Bye." We head back to the apartment.

…**..**

I walk in and go straight for James' room, then I feel Kendall grab my arm, I turn to him, "What?"

"Jazzy, I know you're hurting. I know you love him so much, he loved you too. You made him so happy. You were all he'd talk about. Jazzy please, don't shut yourself off, he wouldn't want that for you." He comes closer to me; our bodies are inches away from each other.

"I know, I just- just I don't know what to do without him."

Kendall pulls me closer and kisses me.

I push him off, "Kendall, I just lost James; I'm not ready for another relationship."

He looks at me, "I- I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me." He walks away.

I grab his arm, "Kendall, it's ok."

He doesn't look at me and pulls his arm free. He goes to his room and shuts the door. I go into James' room and get ready for bed; I lie down and close my eyes.

"_Why, Jaz?"_

I open my eyes, "Why what, James."

_He comes and sits on the edge of the bed, "Why are you doing this? He loves you, why can't you see that?"_

I sigh and sit up, "I'm not doing anything and I just lost you, it's too soon for me, my heart still hurts. I can't just throw our relationship away, everything we had, James."

"_I know, baby, I know." He lies down next to me, "but you have to give him a chance, maybe not now, but later, after you've healed, mostly."_

I cuddle close to him, "I don't know, James. I can't just forget about you."

_He pulls me close, "I'm not asking you to forget me. I'm asking you to give Kendall a chance when you're ready."_

"Ok."

"_Promise?"_

I smile, "I promise, baby."

"_Ok, now sleep." He kisses my forehead._

I fall asleep and sleep peacefully.

…**..**

The next morning, I wake up and get ready to head to the studio. I come out and almost run into Kendall, "Oh hey," I say, "Ready to go?"

"Yeah, just need to get Logan and Carlos."

"We're ready." Carlos says.

"Alright, let's go." Kendall says.

…**..**

We go into the studio and Gustavo is waiting for us in the lobby, "Dogs! We have to get the new song done today. It's called All Over Again."

As I stand there, all the memories of coming to the studio with James come flooding back. The times where I felt like he was singing to me, times where we would run through the studio laughing and playing tag when he had a break, and the times where we'd pull pranks on each other and sometimes we'd team up and prank the guys. All those fun times and now he's gone.

"Jazzy," I hear Kendall say, "Jazzy, you ok?"

I snap out of it, "What? Yeah, I'm fine."

"Ok, you ready to sing?" he asks.

"Yeah." I walk to the recording booth and the guys follow me, the track starts to play.

"Uh huh yeeah hey ummmm" I start.

When Carlos got to the line "I shouldn't have let you go" I take off my headphones and get out of the booth. Tears start to flow from my eyes as I run outside. I hear Kendall running after me. I sit on the steps, my head in my hands.

Kendall sits next to me and puts his hand on my back, "Jazzy, What happened?"

I look at him, my eyes red, "All the memories in that studio, all the fun James and I had, it's overwhelming."

"I know, Jazzy, but you need to do this for him, you need to live for him."

I look at him, "I know and I'm trying" I turn my body to face him, "I promised him I'd do something."

"What is it?"

I lean in and kiss him, "That."

He stares in shock, "We should go back in"

"alright." I get up and walk back inside with Kendall.

…**..**

"What happened?" Gustavo asks.

I wipe the tears away and smile, "Nothing, I'm ok. Let's finish the song."

We get back in the booth and finish the song, "How was that?" I ask.

"Great," Gustavo says, "now let's talk about the tour."

"The tour, Already?" I stand close to Kendall, "When?"

"A week," Kendall says.

"I'm not ready, I have stage fright."

Kendall looks at me, "I'll help you."

"Ok, so we're leaving next week Friday, Dismissed"

I walk out of the studio with the guys.

…**..**

I come through the apartment, "It's too soon, Kendall! I can't…I can't do it."

He hugs me, "It's gonna be ok, I'll be there for you all the way. And James will too"

I smile, "Thank you"

"You're welcome."

**A week later **

The guys and I are getting ready for the tour. My nerves are through the roof. I'm packing my bags thinking of all the moments James and I had on previous tours.

I take a deep breath, "Holy crap, I'm the one performing now, who woulda thought I'd be performing with my favorite boy band," I smile but it quickly turns to a frown, "without my love" I sigh.

_"Not without me" James says, "I'm right here."_

I smile as I feel a soft kiss on my neck. I sigh and grab my bag. On the way out I text my friend Sofia, inviting her to come along for moral support. I tell her to meet me at Rocque records in ten minutes. I walk out to meet the guys at the studio, making sure I grab a picture of James and I smiling on the way out.

**...**

"Jazzy" Kendall says, giving me a hug. "you ready?"

"Yeah, I guess" I take a breath and hold the small picture frame close to me.

He kisses my head, "It'll be ok, I promise." He smiles.

I smile and nod as Sofia comes in, "Hey, girl." She hugs me.

I smile and hug her, "Hey," I see her look at Kendall, "I haven't moved on that fast, Sofia"

She looks at me, "I know I know, we ready?"

Kendall and I nod and we all walk out and to the tour bus. I hear Logan and Carlos messing around inside the bus and smile as I walk in with Kendall and Sofia. Kendall sits with Logan and Carlos and Sofia and I go to the bunk area. I set my stuff down with Sofia's and sit next to her on my chosen bed.

I look at the picture of me and James and sigh. I feel Sofia put her hand on mine and look up at her and see her smiling gently, "It's ok, Jazzy. He's still with you."

I let out a shaky sigh, about to cry. "I know. I-I just miss him so much." I start to cry and feel Sofia wrap her arms around me. I bury my face in her neck as she holds me close and the bus starts to move.

Kendall comes in and sees me, "Is she ok?" he asks.

I look up at him, "I'm fine, fine." I wipe tears away and see that he doesn't believe me. I feel James' presence in the bunk area and I sit up.

Kendall looks at Sofia, "We're almost at where we're staying, it's getting late, you both should get some sleep."

I smile and lay down. Sofia gets in the one above me and almost instantly. i close my eyes feel someone get in next to me. I smile and curl up to him, "James" I whisper.

"It's Kendall, Jaz" Kendall says as he holds me.

I go to tell him to go but stop, _"Jazzy, don't," _I hear James say gently, _"It's ok, baby. Relax."_

I smile to myself and, to Kendall's surprise, curl up to him and sigh.

**...**

**To be continued **


End file.
